Oh No Romo Book Club: Exclusive Interview with ANOTHER KSK writer

It's been a while since we did a Book Club edition. It's always fun to interview book writers. Today, we have an exclusive interview with Michael Tunison for his new book, "The Football Fan's Manifesto." You might know Michael better as Christmas Ape at Kissing Suzy Kolber's. We hope you enjoy the interview. Quick point: The book will be released on Tuesday

First there was Drew Magary, now you're writing a book. What's up with the KSK guys writing books all of the sudden?

We're all too ugly, fat or pale for TV, so this is really the only logical step forward for us. Plus writing a book allows me refer to list "author" as my profession around old people, thus avoiding a painfully awkward discussion about how blogs are tearing apart the fabric of America.

Why did you decide to write "The Football Fans Manifesto"?

HarperCollins made that decision fairly easy for me when they approached me and said, "Hey, here's some money. Wanna write a football book for us?" The initial concept they had in mind was a little too gimmicky for my tastes, so luckily I was able to prevail on them to make some significant changes, and that eventually lead to what the book became.

How is writing a book different from writing on a blog?

The two biggest differences are the deadlines and the inability to hyperlink text. I'm accustomed to the immediacy of the Internet, so writing for something that wouldn't see the light of day for a while was a challenge. I wrote the book primarily during the NFL regular season last year. Throughout the process, I had to keep in mind that the book wasn't getting in the hands of readers for almost another full year. That forced me to weigh a lot of jokes and references.

There's a lot that may be fresh and amusing in November 2008 that's incredibly stale in August 2009. Linking is a great conceit in online writing that isn't available to you either. Whereas writing for KSK I could make an esoteric joke or remark about a player and explain it with a link to what I'm talking about, that obviously isn't a tool available to you when writing a book. There was plenty of times where it was frustrating not to be able to structure a passage like I'd be able to on a blog, but I think I found my way around most of those situations.

You mention Football fan's version of the 10 Commandments in the book, What is the purpose of the Commandments?

There isn't really a 10 Commandments in the book, that's just something the publisher wanted me to create for the back cover of the book, though it does distill major themes that run throughout the book, which are that football is the double plus bestest thing ever to grace human civilization, that loyalty to one's team is paramount, that fan customs are important and worthy of respect and preservation and that football fandom is best when we can enjoy it not as adults, but really vulgar, drunken adults.

What are some of the biggest problems you see with pro football? But what makes it so great?

The biggest problem facing the game now is that going to a game is prohibitively expensive and that it's having any semblance of fun sucked out of it, either through vaguely worded and invasive "fan conduct" policies, the curbing of tailgating, or the fact that because of the expensive prices, less knowledgeable fans who happen to have money occupy more seats.

What do you hope readers take from this book?

There are some particulars of fandom that hopefully will be more routinely followed as a result of the book, but for the most part, it's a humor book and I want people to be entertained by it. At best, I hope it helps foster the notion that football fans aren't drooling idiots (at least non-Packer fans), which is kind of the reputation they have in the sporting world, at least when compared to fans of baseball and other "gentlemanly" sports. While the NFL is more brash (and awesome) than these other leagues, it has thoughtful fans as well.

Time for the softball questions:

But I wrote a book about football! MY AGENT DIDN'T CLEAR THIS!

What is your favorite football memory?

As a Steelers fan born after the '70s, it's a tie between Super Bowl XLIII and Super Bowl XL. The favorite game is still the '95 AFC Championship Game, however, though the last Super Bowl may pass that with time. '95 was the first time I ever saw them go to the Bowl (even though they eventually lost in agonizing fashion) following a year when they came within three yards of making it. Also, it's an amazingly competitive game from beginning to the Hail Mary pass at the end was almost caught by Aaron Bailey. I'm pretty sure I evacuated my bowels during that play.


What do you enjoy most about the game?

The intricate strategy, how individual match-ups can sway the entire game, the action, the violence, the boozing, the animosity, the pressure, the hatred, the rituals, the superstitions, fantasy sports, the high stakes of every game, the ability to easily recognize when a team is beaten, the way entire seasons swing in one week, the feeling that you know more than the people running it even though you don't. All of it, really.

Favorite football book? Or any book for that matter?

"A Fan's Notes" is a tremendous, moving book, even if it's only tangentially about being a football fan. When it's not damn depressing, it's very darkly funny. And there are passages in it that really capture the mania of pulling for your favorite team.

How did "Kissing Suzy Kolber" come to be what it is today?

I attribute the blog's success to the downfall of society, mostly.

Favorite Football blog name?

Excluding our own, Tirico Suave (even though it's not exclusively an NFL blog) is a good one. I was a fan of the now-defunct The Internet is for Zorn.

Favorite Media person (television, radio, online/print) currently covering pro football? And who would be your least favorite media type?

There's a lot of great coverage of the league being done in blogs, so I can ignore most of the print guys I dislike without missing anything. That said, I like Mike Silver a lot (even if he didn't blurb my book. Jerk). Adam Schefter and Jay Glazer are good reporters, even Glazer is kind of a meathead. In the booth, I still enjoy Dick Enberg, even if he's getting on in years. I wish Gus Johnson would be utilized better. Mike Tirico has turned into a respectable play-by-play guy.

Media people who drive me insane: Chris Berman, Matt Millen, Peter King, Chris Mortensen, Tony Siragusa, Dan Dierdorf, Phil Simms, Bill Simmons (he can be good with basketball, but he knows dick about the NFL), pretty much everyone on all the pregame shows, Mark Schlereth, and Cris Collinsworth (I never understand the love this guy gets. He's marginally more insightful than some of the dumber announcers, but that comes at the price of unbearable smugness).

You're a Steelers fan. Do people ever give you crap about that?

More than a little. The Steelers are the top dogs at the moment, so the haters swarm around them in legion. Because I was born in Pennsylvania, but not Pittsburgh proper, and grew up outside D.C., fans of other teams have tossed the bandwagon fan label at me in recent years. Funny, that never came up in the '90s. I was just the fan of the team that lost in a lot of big games.

Ravens fans are the worst about this. Since no one outside of a 40 miles radius of Baltimore cares about the Ravens, it's convinced their fanbase that they're somehow more loyal and pure than other fans, which is retarded and untrue. From '96 until their Super Bowl run in 2000, you barely ever saw any purple shit even in Baltimore itself. And when the team's having an off-year, the same thing goes. Baltimore fans are a lot like Philly fans - hateful and bitter - just not quite as loyal or scary.

You're a GM and you have to start up a football team from these quarterbacks (Clint Longley, Ryan Leaf, Todd Marinovich and Moses Moreno), who do you pick and why?

Definitely Longley, because anyone who punches Roger Staubach is okay by me. ALSO, CAREER 2-0 AS A STARTER!

You also have to pick a coach from this list (Rich Kotite, Bruce Coslet and Wayne Fontes), who do you go with and why?

Fontes. He's a longstanding punchline but he had a reasonable amount of success. I mean, he took the Lions to a conference title game. Who the hell else can say that?

If you were a player, would you rather go to the Super Bowl four times and never win it, or never make it to the Super Bowl at all?

So, basically, is it better to be Jim Kelly or Warren Moon? You have to go with Kelly. You'll get laughed at for being being an o-fer in the big game, but getting there that many times is a big accomplishment regardless.

If you could be commissioner for a day, what would you do?

Institute a lifetime ban on Matt Millen, Chris Berman and Dan Snyder, force the Patriots and Cowboys to fold, bring back the force-out rule, eliminate the PAT and make teams always have to go for two, relax rules on celebrations, cut ties with Coors Light and Miller Lite and bring in better beer, then force owners to lower concession prices, eliminate PSLs, allow fans to put any name they want (except their own) on a jersey from NFL Shop, allow blogs and newspaper sites to post clips from games and practices of up to five minutes and then offer my job to Condi Rice for millions and millions of dollars.

Finally, what's the worst question anybody has ever asked you?

Probably the one I've gotten the most: "So what is a blog, exactly? Do you just sit around and write about what you do all day?"



-That's all we have for today. Yes it was a long Q&A session, but I hope you enjoyed it. I'll profile the New York Giants tomorrow

Balls, Balls and more Balls: An Oh No Romo Book Club Exclusive with Drew Magary

This is our second edition of the Oh No Romo book club. You might remember when we had our first edition of the book club last month. This month, we have a treat for you folks. Kissing Suzy Kolber writer and Deadspin Editor-at-Large, Drew Magary (a.k.a Big Daddy Drew), is here to promote his new book, Men with Balls. His book is being released October 27. Enjoy the interview.

How did the idea of "Men with Balls" come to be?

An editor emailed everyone at KSK and asked if we had any book ideas. I had none, except for my futuristic novel where babies are given breast implants at birth and dinosaurs run the senate. So I got together with an agent and brainstormed ideas, and we eventually found one that grew into something bigger.

What is "MwB" about?

It's a handbook for professional athletes. And if there's anyone on earth who knows what it's like to be a pro athlete, it's me. I've spent over 30 years imagining myself as one.

Why the title?

I liked the subtlety of it. It really takes a solid hour or two for that double entendre to sink in, and then you're all like WHOA MY MIND IS BLOWN!

Why should we read this book?

Obviously, I wrote it. So it's hollow for me to tell you it's funny and what not. All I can tell you is that everyone who's read it has really enjoyed it, or at least has been too polite to tell me the hard truth. I think if you like KSK and Deadspin, it's pretty much right up your alley.

You proclaim this book to be the "very last book you'll ever read." How is this so? Are you trying to destroy my dreams of writing a Thin Lizzy biography?

As I said, once you read the book, you will know how to be a pro athlete. After that, you'll be spending far too much time doing blow and f***ing in airplanes to care about reading, which is for nerds.

Describe your own personal touchdown dance. Why the mime crap?

Mine would be very erotic. I'd use the goal post as a stripper pole. Then I'd crank a Candlebox record and really let those tits fly.

Why a buffet for sports writers? Can't I just hire a caterer?

Who do you PROVIDES the buffet, Mr. Smart Aleck? (My new name, apparently)

Seriously, what's with your picture? Don't you have anything better?

I do, but I gave people a middling one on purpose. I don't want the white hot intensity of my Adonis-like features to burn a hole through your loins.

For the record, you are not Joe Buck. Correct?

No. That is a disgusting question. (Imagine that)


How weird was it when Buzz (Bissinger) called you "Big Daddy Balls?" Did you ever expect Buzz would discuss your work during the 'Costas Now' segment?

I was pissed when he called me that, because he got my name wrong. I had no idea he was gonna mention me, and then he did, and then he got my name wrong, so I had to convince people that I was the asshole he was talking about. DAMN HIM!

Which site do you enjoy to write for more: Kissing Suzy Kolber or Deadspin?

KSK, because the site belongs to us.

Is this the start of the Drew Magary media empire? If so, will Ruffles be apart of the Magary media empire?

That's the goal. I hope to become a full-fledged dick joke mogul. Ruffles may or may not be involved.

What are your favorite sports blogs? Top 5 (Not including KSK and Deadspin)

The terrible truth is the sports blogs I read are those two, EDSBS, and With Leather. If they link elsewhere, I follow the links. But I don't stray far from those four. I'm bad like that.

Least favorite sports book? Why?

Is there a book about the Packers? That one. (Not even the book on Lombardi?)

Least favorite athlete? Why?

Favre. If I have to tell you why, you must be Peter King. (No we're not King, but we do have some pamphlets from the One World, One Brett Favre Ministry)

Least favorite sports movie? Why?

I saw Mr. Baseball once. That was pretty sh*tty. (Yeah, but did you like the Selleck mustache at least?)

Least favorite football announcer? Why?

Berman. He's a f***ing front-runner who tells old jokes and doesn't give a sh*t about the audience.

Any final words before I release you back into the wild?

Always wipe front to back.

The Mondays: Happy Jeff Pearlman Book Release Day

Ahh yes, it is another Monday. I'd like to send a friendly reminder to all of you bookworms out there that the new Jeff Pearlman book, Boys Will Be Boys, is being released (UPDATED, depends where I guess) tomorrow. Make sure you pick up your copy today, or tomorrow, or next week. Eventually I guess. Enough with the awkwardness, let's talk football!

Denver Broncos 39 - San Diego Chargers 38- Have you ever wanted to go for two points to win the game? Mike Shanahan did! The Broncos two pointer late in the game made the difference as they defeated the Chargers. Jay Cutler is starting to grow into a very good quarterback. He threw for 350 yards on Sunday, with four touchdowns. Phillip Rivers had a good game for the Chargers, throwing for 377 yards and three touchdowns.

Indianapolis Colts 18 - Minnesota Vikings 15- One of these two teams was going to finish Sunday with an 0-2 record. Peyton Manning wasn't about to allow that to happen. The Colts scored 18 unanswered points to beat the Vikings. Adam Vinatieri kicked a 47-yarder in the final seconds to clinch the game for the Colts. The Vikings did a good job shutting down the running game, giving up only 25 yards rushing. The Vikings could very well have won this game, but they didn't score any touchdowns, which hurt them in the long run. You can't win games only scoring field goals, especially against the Colts.

Oakland Raiders 23 - Kansas City Chiefs 8- In what could be Lane Kiffen's last game, the Raiders had their finest showing yet in the young coach's second season. Darren McFadden had 164 rushing yards on the day. He had one touchdown.

Sunday Night Recap: Pittsburgh Steelers 10 - Cleveland Browns 6- To be fair, it was very windy. Neither side was going to get the job done passing, even though Roethlisberger threw a touchdown pass. Willie Parker was able to run the ball better than Jamal Lewis did. Lewis has not been able to turn on the jets. He has only 62 yards rushing in two games this season.

Monday Night Prediction: Dallas edges out Philly 24-20

The 'Boys, Charles Haley, the Facts of Life and more: An Oh No Romo Exclusive with Jeff Pearlman

We have a special treat for you kiddies today. Former SI writer, Jeff Pearlman was kind enough to do an interview with us. His new book is Boys will Be Boys, which discusses the dynasty of the Dallas Cowboys. The book is slated for release on Sept. 16. In the mean time, you can enjoy this Q&A session with Mr. Pearlman. (Note: No Preview is planned for today.)

There have been several books written on the Cowboys of the 1990s. What makes this book different from all of the others out there?

Excellent question. Having read every Cowboy book that's probably ever existed at this point, I feel safe in saying "Boys Will Be Boys" is very unique. If there's a writer who's tried to make the 90s Cowboys his own, it's Skip Bayless, who wrote three 90s Cowboys books in a very short span. I don't know Skip, certainly respect his talent as a writer—but his work is very, very, very gossipy, and I consider the way he "outed" Troy Aikman in Hell Bent to be one of the most unprofessional things in modern sports journalism. It's something that should have had him blackballed from journalism, but didn't.

Last year Norm Hitzges came out with what I'd consider to be the best '90s Cowboys work until that time, a beautiful coffee table book with large photos and cool details.

But my book is different. First off, I researched the hell out of it. People think guys like Skip are at an advantage, having covered the team, but I disagree. Coming from my vantage point, I couldn't rely on having attended practices or having go-to guys. So I literally tried to interview everyone. Every roster player, every training camp attendee, every coach, assistant, executive, hanger-on, etc. Details, details, details—it's a very detailed book. I also went out of my way to merge two disparate story lines—the amazing on-the-field Cowboys and the wild off-the-field Cowboys. I wanted to weave a narrative from the two, and rely first and foremost on reporting, not merely rumors and passed-down stories that have been reheated 100 times.

That's an awfully long winded answer. Put briefly, I'm very proud of what I'm offering, and think readers will uncover a very serendipitous read.

Is there one central figure that this book focuses on?

No, though I'd say the four stars are Michael Irvin, Charles Haley, Barry Switzer and Jimmy Johnson. Not be design, just how it unfolded.

How many players did you interview for the book and who were some of the notables you met with?

I spoke to 146 Cowboy players, coaches and administrators for this book, and probably interviewed, oh, 250-280 people overall. The key guys, as far as material, were probably Mike Irvin, who I stalked out at his Hall of Fame weekend, Clayton Holmes, Kenny Gant, Jim Jeffcoat, Larry Brown. There's a misconception about book writing, that you NEED the big names (Aikman, Emmitt, Irvin, etc) or a book can't be good.

From my first book, The Bad Guys Won!, I learned the opposite. Neither Dwight Gooden nor Strawberry spoke with me, and it didn't matter. They've been interviewed about '86 hundreds of times. The keys were the backup catchers, the long relievers, etc. Same with the Cowboys. Aikman and Emmitt didn't talk, and I wasn't overly concerned, because they've told their stories hundreds of times. The keys were tracking down men like Clayton, Kenny, Hugh Millen—the guys who were there, who witnessed it all and who have never been asked on the record.

Which player interested you the most writing this book and why?

Oh, Charles Haley. He peed in a teammate's car, masturbated in the locker room, very manic, loved, hated, loathed, tolerated. The ultimate merging of tragic and victorious.

You mention on your web site that you wanted to avoid being typecast as a writer who reports on just the negative aspects. How did you do that in Boys will Be Boys?

Well, I made it as much about the actual football as anything else. You can read Skip's work and forget there was actually a football team involved. That's not a rip, because drama sells. But I was just as fascinated by the on-field dynamic between Irvin and Harper, or Aikman's maturation as a QB. This is a football book.

How much emphasis did you put on the Herschel Walker trade? How much of an impact did that have on the Cowboys of the 90s?

Man, that was huge. You're talking about the best (Cowboys)/worst (Vikings) trade in NFL history. Put simply, without that deal the Cowboys don't win three Super Bowls. No way! It was both brilliant on the part of Jimmy Johnson and moronic on the part of the Vikes' Mike Lynn, who was a business guy trying to make personnel decisions on his own.

You also mention on your site that Deion Sanders was sort of the beginning of the end to the dynasty. He did help win a Super Bowl. What caused the end of this dynasty?

A lot of things. Aging, arrogance, indifference. Deion is a good person, and I think his heart is in the right place. But the '90s Cowboys were built as a cohesive, unselfish unit. Jimmy Johnson didn't tolerate selfishness. His model was Mike Irvin, an off-the-field disaster, but an insanely hard worker; special teammate.

Deion came in and didn't work hard; took practices off; taught younger players how NOT to act. Plus, he brought religion into the locker room, and suddenly guys who used to be studying film were attending extended Bible study. I've got no beef with religion, but myriad players said Deion took the focus away from football.

Could the dynasty have lasted longer if Jimmy Johnson stayed on as coach longer, or was it inevitable (Ed. the demise)?

I think it could have. He was simply a 100,000-times better coach than Barry Switzer, and all the discipline was lost when Jimmy departed. You're talking about an insanely talented collection of football players who smelled blood when Barry arrived. They knew they could walk all over him—and they did.

What was Barry Switzer's relationship like with the players? Who did he get along with the most? Least?

Despite what people think, players loved Barry in a way they didn't love Jimmy. Jimmy was actually hated by a lot of guys, who felt more like pieces of hardware than human beings under his reign. The problem is, loving your coach isn't always such a great thing.

Barry would cut practices short, let players goof around, etc. As for who he got along with best/worst: Worst was clearly Troy Aikman, who came to despise his laid-back attitude. Best was hard to say. Nate Newton loved him. So did Deion.

In your opinion, how does this dynasty rank with all the other NFL dynasties of the past and even the present?

Oh, I think these Cowboys would have put a real ass kicking to the modern-day Patriots. Too athletic, too skilled, too fast. Just a better all-around team, and Jimmy was the perfect coach. They're right at the top, probably with those Bill Walsh Niners and Lombardi Packers.

Will there ever be another dynasty like the Cowboys?

Only if there's an NFL city where magnificent football talent coincides with a resurgence of strip clubs.

Now comes the best part of this show. We took it upon ourselves to ask some fun questions. Enjoy.

If you could be any member of the 90s Cowboys, who would you be and why?

Easy—Alvin Harper. I've long dreamed of being banned from a strip club. Plus, single coverage all day.

Which Leon Lett moment would you rather be apart of: Thanksgiving Day against the Dolphins or the Super Bowl fumble?

Well, the Super Bowl was humiliating, but relatively inconsequential. That Miami gaffe, though, cost Dallas the game and goes down, alongside Jim Marshall's wrong-way run, as the most humiliating in league history. So, from Leon's standpoint, I'll take the super Bowl.

You start a team and you only have Steve Walsh and Steve Beurlein to choose from: Who do you choose and why?

Oh, not Walsh. He was a nice system QB and a very solid backup. But Beuerlein was a legit NFL starter who really knew how to manage a game. Now if it's between Walsh and Babe Laufenberg...

If you could be Deion for a day, what would you do? (Without getting you into trouble with your wife of course.)

I'd do everything to get out of my contract for another season of "Prime Time Love."

You made a Facts of Life reference, therefore I'm obligated to ask this question. Which Facts of Life character best describes you?

I'd say Natalie. Sorta geeky, Jewish and desperately wanting to roll with Kim Fields. (Ed. I'm more of a Natalie, with maybe a little Jo in me, possibly an element of Tootie.)

According to your biography on your web site, you mentioned that you dance professionally on the World Polka Challenge Tour. Me being part Polish, it's a running joke in my family that all the Polka songs sound the same. Any truth to that rumor? Also, do you play a mean accordion?

To be honest, I recently gave up Polka and am forming a Tupac Shakur tribute band. And, yes, that's me on accordion in "Brenda's Got a Baby."